:: Voice Within // Christina Aguilera ::

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

I think I just said un-necessary things to ervand today. I think what I've said will freak him out. Stupid Indira!! friendster has been a great companion for me when I'm feeling bored. But there's 2 person in my friends list that I don't really want them there. They connect me with so many painful memories ...

'instant gratification' ...
it goes to everybody out there that still consider me their friend, who knows me the way I really am, and accepted that. To those who still love me, along with my short comings. To those who still cherish the days they spent with me. To those who backed me up during my weary moments. To those who acknowledge my dreams and pray for it. To those who prayed for me along my way, and teach me the real wisdom, real love, real religion, and real faith. To those who hurt me, accused me, harassed me, violated my rights and feelings, destroying my hopes, and chase away my dreams. Even they add so many things into my life. My mother, my lil sister, my aunt, and every single person in line with me as a family.

if it's for my God, there's no instant gratification. Deepest thanks flowing in and out of me. He overwhelmed me with His presence in my life.

New year is ahead. 2004 is coming. Dear God, give me hope, courage and love more and more this year. Keep me under Your wings, and guard me with Your unfailing love. Hold me with Your right hand, that brings victory. I shall live in God's circle of blessing, and help me to realize it, and not taking it for granted.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
- Joshua 1:9

This week's promise:
All things happen according to God's will.

Does God really have a plan for my life?

You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment You know where I am.
Psalm 139:3

God cares about what we do. He cares about the details of our lives because they are a barometer of the condition of our heart.

i forgot to tell that about 2 weeks ago, i went to this artist with nay to done pmki assignment. and when we went home, the artist gave us each a picture of his own work. there's only 20 original copies, and mine is 16/20. i chose my own number, since the 7/20 was already been taken by somebody else, i picked 16/20. why? well, all i can tell is that 16 represent so many things that's been going on in my life.

still feeling confused with lots of things that happened yesterday. cant really tell why, but i sense something that is not that good. i feel used.

after i posted my last ponder, tista called and asked me to go to wiwied. he said he'll picked me up, but instead of that, ervand was the one that did that. well, there's tista's gf and joan with one of their friend. we ate, smoke, and went circling the town together. it was a good time, after that we went to kfc kemang and had some snacks.

there's some mysterious things happened this night. and there's something gotta do with ervand. i can sense it, but i cant be sure what it is. so many things happened today, i cant really help to expect what will happen next.

i had so much fun, even though i didnt talk that much. a part of my mind is still wandering off thinking about what went wrong today. but then again, meeting joan is soothing my pain here and there. she might not know about it, but the things she said, really keeps my strength in place. maybe it's one of God's way to show me that all things happen for a reason. no matter what, He's still there for me, whether i realized it or not.

i'm precious in His sight ...

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
- John 15:12-13

long time since i wrote, and the the things that's been happening in my world is moving fast. went out with Jedi again, went to FSRD's baksos event, Jedi picked me up after that. he went thru a pretty long distance just to picked me up and drove me to campus. two days later, we went out again. then i went to magelang, i got some bad feelings about Jedi. and it turned out 2b true again. went to see arga, tya and patricia competed in GPMB, going to the mall and met him there. then i prove that my bad feelings was true. he's going to bali and lombok tomorrow.

[my old friends ... the tears, sadness, and regrets calling me out again ...]

then i feel this warm touch on my deepest heart. and that simple feeling of being touched, wash away all my fears and wearries. i was so upset about 10 min ago, but now, i'm feeling a lot better. i can even sms him and said that God bless him, loves him, and so do i. i told him that a part of me refuse to feel that way, but the biggest force in me, make me do. i know that it's not my own ability, it's not my own power. it's God's grace, love, compassion. it's His heart ...

I thank Jesus, because He's faithfull to me ... I thank Jesus for his loving kindness towards me. I dont deserve it, but still He gives me more, and more each day. I feel so overwhelmed ...

I did pray before I sms him, and God heard me praying.
He gives what I need .... Prayer changes everything

visited jedi today. he was sick..

went to campus with a lousy face.. i havent got no time to really actually take a good long sleep!! my eyes are like vampire's!! arrghh, it's a horror! not to mention i had 2 final test and didnt wore contact lens for a whole day!

BUT!!! the rest of the day is absolutely wonderful :) went to dinner with nay, cha cha, hikmah, and gina. it was a totally wacko evening.. but i love it a lot! the weather is so perfect. drizzling outside the car with the 5 of us chatting and laughing, talking bout heavy issues.. the thing that not so many people ever heard us the 'useless gank' talk about it. then went to vokke's house to take indri's camera. [hmm, how i miss hanging out with vokke] ... then they took me home.

it was a long and exhausting day, but it was fun xD

with a lil christmas spirit inside ... [giggle]

Heaven is not mass-produced; it is tailor-made. We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment.

Pretty nice statement eh? lots of people say that when someone is talking about life and death, that means his/her life is not gonna be any much longer.. yaiks!! i dont really buy that kind of crap.

wow, i opened my inbox, and there's so many emails about friendster.. i cant believe i even met lala on friendster!! that is so funnny..

talk to tista a lil bit yesterday, then went to campus at trisakti. how i miss my friends there. they told stories about the freshmen.. those kids are nuts!! vokke expected me to go to situgunung this saturday until sunday. so i think i'm gonna join them. it's been a while. and i'm sure it's gonna be fun.

in the mean while, i wanna get back to my friendster page. hehehe, i got a lil addicted :p

Status : In a realm of illusions,gathering the lost dreams

"ARRRGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i really tried to worked things out with my F**K'IN LIFE!!! But they just kiss my ass goodbye!!

Your Magic Fairy's Name
By the name of Indira Dhian, my fairy is called Lichen Moonshimmer

She is the moon goddess's messenger
She lives in stony places and tumbling wastes
She is only seen when the first flowers begin to blossom

hehehe, pretty cool eh? in other words, it's just happen to be cool, cause i've got nothing else to do at home. well, my assignments are countless, but not even one of them that i can get it done. indri forgot to bring the camera again!! and that makes me feel a little dissapointed. i only have 6 days to go to a gallery and make a report. and i'm going nuts just to think that i haven't got all the time i need. not to mention my ironic life.

I'm thinking about changing my nick in msn from "Aradhel Elanesse" to something else. Tinkerbell perhaps?? i actually like fairies. they're build in dreamland..

i'm just so stupid. arrghh... he get into me again! several things happened, i cant really tell ..

"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD."
- Isaiah 54:17


yesterday tista called and said one of the most suprising thing. he said that ervand feel very sorry about what had happened. well, i didnt even think that he'll say sorry. thank God for that. i feel like one of my burdens is being lifted up. but then again ... there's still one person who still irritates me. arrghh!!! with his innocent face! and i cant believe i'm gonna see him this sunday! after he state his plan of destroying mine ... [grrr!!!]

it seems like most of my friends is having so much fun with friendster. it's like everybody joined in, and write testimonials to each other. it is pretty fun though.

got so many things to do before final. yesterday i supposed to give in listening assignment, but we turned out lying to the teacher. yaiks, we gave in fake tape instead of the real one. y? cause until now, we haven't record it yet!! this is so insane. i cant even dare to think hos the teacher's gonna react when she hears the tape ...

hang on .. it's only 1 and a half week to go!! [sigh]

you know what ... kinda miss hanging out with the 'guyz' ... hahaha, a code that only i know what it means xD

miss them a lot .. or is it only him?? [giggle]

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace.
And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."

yesterday i met jedi online. i couldnt believe that i let myself talked to him. but i met retno and karin 2!! which is so much fun .. :D miss them both a lot! anika's in town. but she said that she'll be pretty busy for about 2weeks or so.

downloaded one of my fav song, "HEY" by Fatima Rainey. Reminds me of so many things :) just listening to the tune, makes me smile x)

gonna go to three events on sunday. first of course going to church, then to jgtc and the last one to pl fair. jedi wants to go to i guess, so i kinda asked him if he wanna go with me. and he said yes. i plan not to talk too much with him. just enjoying the music, remembering that it might be one of our last time together. yes ... it might be.

[text message from 'jedi' dec 8, 2003 00:16]
since we met online, everything leads me to you.. gnite indira :')



++ FEELS LIKE FALLING ++

darn ... yesterday i switch sim card with Lia and i lost all of my unsaved sms. hated ercsson when they did that to me. i cant really tell how i feel after that sms. i've tried not to get confused or anything. my mind keep on telling me about what he's been doing to me, back and forth. i got traped inside my own thinking.

talked about so many things with mom. especially about what happened to aunt audrey. her fiance is going to get married in 10 days. and he never told her about anything. he just left her, he just simply walk away from her, after they once made a commitment and a promise to wait for each other. this thing puzzled me more. in the days where i'm also having that same kind of problem, one of my aunt is going thru the same thing. she got so depressed. i can understand what it feels like.

listened to mom's story about her, i cant bear not to cry ... and thank God, madre understand.

[ a letter to tista ]

sorry ya tis, waktu itu sms gak jelas. gue bener2 gak tau lagi mo sms siapa. kmaren pulang kampus gue kan udah rada2 sakit, gara2 keujanan 3 hari. [gila banget deh ui]. trus pulangnya gue dianterin temen gue ampe rumah. abis2 bersih2, gue nyalain msn messenger gue. ada temen sma, jadi ngobs2 bentar. tiba2 kluar namanya ardi online. gue baru mo pasang tanda busy biar dia gak manggil, tapi telat. pas dia manggil dan mau gue tutup, tiba2 kluar foto yg disamping window chatnya itu.. fotonya dia lagi cium ceweknya di pipi.

[setelah memaki2 sebentar dan menarik nafas dalam2 ...]

gini yah tis, loe mo bilang gue bego krn nangis, ato bt ngeliat foto itu terserah. tapi gue gak bisa bohong, gue bt dan sedih abis. tega banget dia manggil gue dengan masang foto kayak gitu. dia bilang dia masih care dan mau jaga perasaan gue, tapi buktinya apa? gue sebel banget tis. gue jadi berantem di msn, krn dia balik mojokin gue.

gue sakti hati krn gue tau selama ini gue udah berusaha tetep jaga perasaan dia, berusaha put myself in his shoe, ngertiin posisinya dia, ngedukung dia, maafin klo dia salah, tetep sabar klo dia mojokin dan balikin kata2 gue, tetep cool dan ngerti klo dia batalin dan ingkarin semua janji yg dia bikin ke gue. tapi akhirnya, itu gak berguna. buat apa gue peduli ama orang yang nyata2nya gak peduli ama gue. percuma gue sayang klo ternyata gue dibales pahitnya doang. udah gitu, dia pake nanya2 berapa lama gue gak gereja, krn menurut dia gue gak akan pernah bakal punya pikiran negatif kayak gitu. bawa2 ajaran kasih segala. gue nggak ngerti lagi mo gimana. sakit hati banget tis. dia nyalahin gue krn gue gak pernah mau dengerin ttg apa yg terjadi ama dia. masalahnya dia juga gak pernah cerita gitu loh. sekalinya cerita, itu semua cuman untuk pahitin gue doang. gue berulang kali diginiin ama cowok, dan gue capek.

asma gue kambuh kemaren, dan pas nyokap gue pulang, gue [kayaknya] sempet masuk RS. gue gak inget bener ... gue benci banget dgn keadaan kayak gini. rencananya minggu depan, gue mau ambil semua barang gue, dan balikin semua barangnya dia. after that, selesai. dia gak akan tau apa2 lagi soal gue. gue tau kita musti ngampunin kesalahan orang, mengasihi, memberkati. tapi sorry banget untuk sekarang ini gw belom bisa.

tadinya hari ini gue mo nonton arga latian drum band aja, tapi kok acaranya juga jadi rada gak jelas yah. gue gak bisa diem di rumah doang. tista, maaf ya bikin pusing. satu2nya cara gue tenangin diri ya dgn temen2 gue. belakangan soalnya lagi pada sibuk, jadi bingung aja kayak gak ada temennya.. [apa sih?!]

well, thanks for hearing. i really need a friend right now.

indeed i need one ...

I HATE JEDI!!! I HATE LOVING HIM... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!

:: HOLY CITY OF JERUSALEM // BLESSED ARE THE ISRAELITES ::

i wish i can erase all the word "Jedi" in this blog. everything that he said, were a bunch of nonsense. i cant believe that i can fall for the same thing, over and over again!! hate him, for hurting me this bad!!

lately i've been having this feeling of ... hmm, cant really name it. all i know is that i'm trying so hard to cope in with all my boring routines. and take it as a way to fill up my time. well, it's kinda wierd actually. i know it's a common thing to do, but when you already know what it's not what you really want, and you're doing it anyway [with my kind of excuse], then it'll be totally different. the way I get things done, will be a lot more burdening [in a way, since i know it's not what i want].

[thinking ... thinking ... ]

Anyhoo... I'm reading this interesting book called "Why men dont listen, & Women cant read maps" ... hehehe, actually i read the second series first, then this. But hey! I'm the type of woman who really CAN read maps.. I took the test on the book, and it turned out that i can fit in both camps.. either in the men or in the women. so i can maintain relationship pretty well. hahaha, that's what the book says, but in reality, does it really goes that way? [giggle]

now i understand why i always get cranky when a person didnt keep in touch with me anymore. it's a basic women attitude. women like bonding and work on relationships. we, women, likes to communicate, when men doesnt. that's why basicly men doesnt do well with words. but then again, what about those other men that like to do sweet nonsense talks to girls? oh well, i guess that means they got too many feminine side! hahaha

arrrgghh, how i need a haircut!! my hair is going too long, cant take it anymore.
haha, dont wanna get in trap in both. one is too long, and the short style, ummh, i dont think i look good in it ... hahaha

got to campus pretty late yesterday. worked on my IC assignment so fast, i couldnt even remember what i was writing about. anyway, after lots of adrenalin rush, the lecturer didnt come. [BIG sigh!!!]

hmm, nothing really interesting happened yesterday. it's just as the was it is. boring life of campus...

Jedi called me today twice. Talked about small things. No comment.

:: taken from GOD'S DAILY PROMISES // LEFT BEHIND.COM ::

This week's promise:
God comforts the brokenhearted

What kinds of blessings does God send our way?

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

About this week's Promise:

Grief brings suffering, discomfort, confusion, restlessness, pain, heartache, and usually plenty of tears. Some grief, like losing a loved one, can be understood only by those who have walked that dark valley before. Grief is like a deep pit. It tortures out soul and robs us of the joy of living. But there is a great theme in the Bible—that although we walk through the valley of the shadow, there can be comfort and hope, as long as God is with us.

All scripture is from the New Living Translation (Tyndale House Publishers, 1996).